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| It was all so insignificant! And now its gone, and it will never feel the same.
I'm taking time now, forever, to stop, categorize, and appreciate.
One day this will all become another unmemorable stepping stone to a future far out.
But if you don't want it to fade away. say so.
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| Omy, from the most beautiful and exciting times of my life i've been brought to the one where i start questioning humanity and all the people i've ever come in contact with. People like you disappoint me, people like you make me into a callous and cold hearted person, not the accepting friend i want and can be. It's not a big deal, my ass. it is a very big value for me. Oh well. But this made me think of last summer. I don't want to go back, because i realized how much i was used. Used as an entertainment piece, something to be watched and judged 24/7. I really have nothing to offer to those people. I'm nice, but not that naive. You can't take advantage of me. Deep down i wish it were easy to go, deep down i wish i could take my guard down and really be at peace there. But its not that simple, you go back, and the same gossip-mongering begins. I have nothing to offer. And i do not enjoy being a pawn in that wretched game. it's sick. it's seriously sick, if only you knew the details. It's about time i stay away from those people, get back to becoming me is my new stance. I don't care about being "friendly" which we all know means manipulatable. I'm a prude/smart.or whatever, your labels aren't going to influence me. I am happy with being just me. But people do like complicated messes? its entertaining. But i'm above melodrama, i'm okay with maturity.
Who knows. really, who knows.? this is just for reference, in case you get lost again. If you get into it, you get into it. But remember this is the light, this where you have to get back. This is who you are. meh.
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| So i told them. I told them a bunch of bull, and i thought they finally understood. But i know its only a matter of time before they misconstrue everything. Its shocking to me at how insistent the aged are, i am being insistent now, because i feel i've been silent for too long. Its my time to speak now. Its always been their way. Well not hers, she didn't imagine she'd have to be silent for half her life, but its what you get for being so naive. It just upsets me that shes learning all this all too late... "better late than never"...no i never liked that phrase, i don't really trust people after they've disappointed you for the hundredth time. but i'd be lieing and i'd be ungrateful if i didn't mention that shes always been there in her own way.
On that other matter, its unsettling. Right when i needed, so badly needed, stability things change around, the status quo changes. dammit. seriously dammit. i'm not EXCITED. or enthusiastic about this situation at all. its bearable but i'm not enjoying this and it may become the very reason the last reason for me to deal with this. Shit, i need to file my paper work. its going to make things so much easier. what else? hmm. i'll take things less seriously, i'll make an effort i promise. but its just that i don't want to live a joke. stuff matters. but i guess i'll let some things slide every now and then. =)
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| I know what i should do. i know what some want me to do. But i'm still lost as to what it is that i want. And whenever i try to make it myself, just working through things, trying to set safety nets for future failings, it seems like it all comes undone. What's to be done? don't answer that, i don't need another opinion. I want to see into myself. I want to be happy on all accounts. I want to know who i am. Who am i today? i'm not mopey, or content or confident or anything. I am just confused, and thats nothing. I want clarity
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| i can be hostile to the ones that i owe so much to. But they are very much obsolete. What have they done recently to demand the love and the respect their actions once called for? That's a selfish question, just a fragment of my established hostility. But i want other things, and i want to reinforce hatred or even apathy in them so they ignore me, leave me alone to go and discover new things far and wide things.
i love the pounding sound of the air conditioner behind the wall next to me.
I keep coming back here like a ghost of the dead, because i feel that i have so many undone things here. What things, i don't really want to go into that, but to leave wasn't my real wish. After formative reflection i've found that i only wanted to leave because i wanted to leave the institutions that kept me back. I wanted to escape other peoples formed opinions on my life and the way i should and would live it. For me this experience was a tattoo or a nose piercing, it was rebellion in a safe and controlled way. Just short of leaving, I figured out that this wasn't all rebellious. But by then it was too late to turn back. And now i've never been more miserable because this time the hopes and dreams that i had put so much value were compromised. This was supposed to be that time where everything i planned and everything i struggled through would find tangible results. But no. last minute struggles, emotional conflict, and blind foresight took all of that away for something entirely unexpected. I can't say that it is good or that it is bad, but just that it isn't what i want and it doesn't make me happy. It doesn't have the same smell or the same morning shadow that i've fallen in love with. In all my dreams i saw this, i saw the things that i love about home, but with a different name (the east coast, massachusetts, europe.) SO i thought that going away would free me from my restricting institutions and take me to the things that i love. But sacrifices, Sacrifices, fucking sacrifices didn't let me go from those institutions, instead they just redrew their own circles and said this is how far you can go, this is how far you can be from our influence. But fuck that.
I don't know what to do though. this is all that i got. i know that the things i love are here (if not the big things, then the little things). i don't regret taking a chance and doing something different. i gained somethings. but that doesn't change the fact that i can't live like this, living like my life is secondary that the choices made are not my own. i can't do this! i love right now this moment, every feeling is great even the feeling of opportunity i get in this house. It sucks though that it too is moving on, like i was mistaken to think was necessary. and it sucks that after a few days i'll leave it again. WHy do we destroy the things that are so good to us?
Right now as the situation stands, i can't make a decision. I don't know what the right thing to do. i don't know what will yield the greatest amount of happiness. Everything is speculation, but for any change that does take place i am adamant that this time that foresight and over-emotional conflict won't force me into something that i will in a a few years come to hate. i don't want it to become like this.
I don't know what to do!
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